I hope this cambodes well: March 2013

At the end of my two month training, each volunteer was given some superlatives like we were graduating high school again. Some serious and some comical or jokingly offensive - a couple of mine were "Easiest PCT to Talk to" and "Most Likely to Make it to Mordor and Possess the One Ring". Recently I have been teaching comparative and superlative to my trainees and the EFC (English for Cambodia) regularly uses physical comparison that Americans could consider rude or unflattering. One day a co-teacher asked the fattest students in the class to stand up. Backing up, Cambodians often state their observations in a comparative manner. They like to remark on appearance and, especially in the case of two foreigners, point out what is different between the two ("His Khmer is clearer than yours" was a comment after another volunteer visited my market). This is something that used to surprise me, but I know like to think that I am generally unfazed by something I may have thought was hurtful in the past. In the corner, I tried to keep my mouth closed and comments to myself, but as the students did not respond to his request, I couldn't help but mutter "Seriously??" The students most likely did not respond because they didn't understand him. He pointed to two girls he believed to be the fattest and asked them to stand stating "They are the fattest in the class". After he followed with "who is the most beautiful?" and, as is expected, the students and my co-teacher said "Teacher Sam". This is not due to my huge ego but rather the general Cambodian perception of beauty. Because of my "white" skin, pointy nose, long eyelashes, curly hair and generally white Western features, Cambodians consider me to be quite beautiful, no matter how grungy, unkempt my hair or baggy my clothes are. No matter how sloppy, when I enter the market, I have many admirers who watch my every move and comment on my looks. If you know me, this makes me really uncomfortable. I do appreciate flattery, but when it stems from my foreignness and exotic features, I can't help but feel like a bizarre animal.

My tutor told me that when friends in his village saw pictures of Kirk and I in his daughters wedding, they said that "we were as beautiful and tall as mannequins." He said while they watched the video, they desired to look at us more than the Khmer people. I did feel like plastic that day being bound into tiny outfits, parading around, wearing more makeup than I have accumulated over the last 27 years and hairspray. I suppose that in American culture, we also aspire to look like unrealistic images but I never had expected to be compared to that. Here, comparisons and conformity are prized while individualism is not sought after. Maybe I do project myself as a doll since I do my best to blend in and don't project much individualism either. To do so, would display a degree of vulnerability and varied emotion that is not acceptable in Khmer culture. I seek to be a model of professionalism in all aspects of my life here and well integrated into my community. In this culture, saving face is a priority as other judge you on your surface appearance and actions. Here, emotions are not as readily shared and I am certainly in no place to discuss emotions with Khmer friends, family or co-workers due to my limited language abilities. Much of the time, Khmer culture focuses on what is objectively observable. I wonder when what is perceived as objective switches to subjective; for example, my Khmer tutor, who is well versed in American culture, and I were discussing when it's culturally acceptable to make a comparison for Americans. You can compare height, eye color, length of hair, but only when there is judgement involved can those comparisons become unwelcome or rude. I do realize that when I switch between interacting with Cambodians and Americans, I use words differently as it is the American expectation that we are calculated and wary before saying the first thing that enters your mind.

I can't change much about this culture of comparison other than explaining the diversity that comes from my culture or make my opinions known where appropriate. When writing some examples of comparative sentences between Americans and Khmer people, I wrote "Cambodians are more beautiful than Americans." My trainees asked if all the sentences I had written were true. Using my teacher authority, I said "Of course they are! I don't lie."

Wedding shots

Band at one of our Khmer teachers' wedding

Jodi, Ryan and Kelly dancing Khmer style round a table

Two days later, I am still tired and my hair is still a bit stiff from serving as a bridesmaid in my first Khmer wedding. I wish I could provide a complete photo essay to help you understand the day, but I was too busy to be able to photograph it all and my outfits were too tight to lift my arms. If it weren't for the remnants of hairspray and the bit of eyeliner that never seems to come off, the day felt so surreal that I would almost say it didn't happen. I also have corroboration from my fellow PCV and friend Kirk who served as a groomsman. Luckily we did this together or I really would have stood out as the whiter, "fatter" (generally larger than Khmer women, but this is the word they use in Khmer), definitely taller person in the wedding party, but still complimented a lot on my "sa-at"ness ('beautiful' in Khmer).
This wedding took place on the auspicious day of 3.3.13 for my tutor's daughter in their hometown 30 km away from my site. I was asked to be a bridesmaid several months ago even though I would only meet the bride at 3 am on the big day. According to my tutor, foreigners are rarely in weddings in this area so it was quite the sight for the guests to see us dressed up like Khmer Barbie and Ken. I did feel like a doll all day as I was prodded, painted and pranced around, much similar to my days as an quasi-model in 9th grade. The bride, who is 27, was to be married to a Khmer man, who is 35, who has been living in America since 1982 after his family escaped Cambodia during the Khmer Rouge. His family originally comes from the same hometown and they are some sort of 2nd cousin, which is ideal, so the family's desired to join through the nuptials of their children. I am unsure if the bride and groom had met before, but they seemed fairly comfortable around each other throughout the day. The bride was to return to America with her husband and his parents 2 days after the ceremony to the Boston area. She has never before left Cambodia and we spoke a bit of her nerves regarding this big move. She was worried about getting a job and asked me if the American culture is "easy", meaning will she be able to pick it up fairly quickly. I mostly told her she'd be really cold and that her new Khmer family would help her navigate this new world.
Many ceremonies took place throughout the day and this was day 2 of 3, but the longest of them all. It all took place at my tutor's house, some ceremonies inside and some outside under the wedding tent. We started the first ceremony, outfit one around 7 AM. There was an older man with faint tattoos, uncommon here, who acted as the "priest" and brought us through the steps of the ceremony. There were also a young man and woman who acted as the MCs in typical Khmer entertainment style and put on skits, sang and generally entertained the guests. Following this we had the first meal of the day, borbor, rice porridge with bean sprouts, seafood, meat and vegetables. The bridal party ate after the guests, which was the theme of the day. We would parade around or be on display while the guests partook or observed the ceremony. After this, most guests left until the afternoon while those closer to the family came upstairs for a ceremony I did not see as I was put into another outfit. This was the smallest of all and I was concerned I might pass out. With each outfit change, the whole bridal party matched in color, and the bride and groom changed outfits about 7 times while we changed only 4 times (I think...). The typical outfit for bridesmaids involved a corset-like top, some sleeveless, some long-sleeved, and a large fabric tied and pinned into MC Hammer like pants that they poof out in the hips. I also wore a few sampots (Khmer style skirts), which were a fancier version of what I wear to teach everyday.
After the second outfit change, we went back downstairs (all preparations happened upstairs in the house which meant I had to teeter down steep stairs in front of the audience in heels) for the "cutting of hair ceremony". This was the only one I somewhat understood what was happening. No one's hair should actually be cut, but the symbolism behind this ceremony is that the sin is being removed from the bride and groom (or so I was told). During this ceremony, Kirk and I were all of a sudden summoned by the MCs to speak in Khmer, do some Khmer dancing and sing a song. Kirk chose "American Pie" which we realized later blared all throughout town on the absurdly loud speakers present at every wedding. We are now famous, in his town. We finished around 12, were freed from these outfits and ate lunch with the family and close friends before naptime until 3 where I was instructed I cannot wash my face or hair (obviously would erase all the hard work of the beauticians). I was only able to squeeze in 30 min of rest, we grabbed some Khmer coffee (sludge with condensed milk for 38 cents) and headed back over. My hair was changed, a new face was painted on (which involved fake eyelashes both times but luckily I halted the razoring off of my eyebrows), and another outfit was revealed. The afternoon was a bit of a blur, we spend most of the time greeting the guests as they arrived. Hundreds more people arrived for the evening portion, totalling around 1000, which was shocking considering we were in a village in my province. We passed out kromah party favors and sompeah-ed (bowed with hands together) to greet everyone. The bride and groom ran out for a few costume changes during what seemed like hours. We watched everyone eat and begin to drink, this is the partying portion, unsure when we would have our turn. The band played and people began to dance. Finally, at what seemed like 10 PM, but was really 7, we were summoned inside to walk around a table of fruit with the bride and groom. Then we were released to enjoy the party, eat, drink and dance in a circle waving our hands around. We partied with dwindling guests, many a few youngins and the family, until 11 PM. I found an excellent dancing partner in an 8 year old girl who seemed to have endless energy until we both had to sit down and rest.
I am sure I missed many details due to the exhaustion and resulting blurred memory of the day, but it was an overall unforgettable experience that will stand out in the opportunities I'm afforded here. It was an honor to be part of this important event for the family. Kirk and I were told that our "work" as groomsman and bridesmaid represented Americans well by some of the other Americans who are friends of my tutor. I hope my presence made the bride and the family happy, and I wish the bride health and happiness in America. I also hope that I can visit her someday there. The main thing I learned from the day is that my wedding will be A LOT shorter.